Chick Click Review of Team 1 (the Know It Alls)'s Paper
What is the thesis? Type out the thesis you find in the paper in your own words; it will help you see whether the writer's main insight is made sufficiently clear. (Kelly From the intro I can understand that the thesis is about Internet use and how you can use it to corrdinate information and gather comments from thousands of people. How one indicidual can have an idea and collaborate with other unknown users. After the intro I got lost then thinking your paper was about anorexia. It's a great intro but the lead in was a little confusing.
How is the essay organized? Describe in three or four sentences how the essay is organized. This will help you determine if the structure was clear. (Laura) It has an intro, however after that It's extremely confusing to read. It talks about websites for anorexia, then it talks about politics, traveling, and education. It's very mixed and I'm not sure what their topic is exactly.So, their structure is not clear.
Was the organization logical? Was this the best way the writer could present their information? (Sara) I struggle to write this because while I think it could use a lot of improvement, I am also sure that the Know-It-Alls are aware of this and already plan to improve it during the editing process. Right now it feels more like a jumble of various smaller essays than one essay with one topic.
Were any parts not relevant to the thesis? As a reader did you pause to wonder how a statement or paragraph was related to the thesis? (Sara) Again, so far, the whole thing feels very detatched and unrelated to itself but I am convinced the transitions will be smoothed out and each of the "smaller essays" will be made relevant for the final draft. One thing I hope they consider is the tone of the overall essay. In some places it is very informal and in other places it becomes very formal. Some sort of balance between the voices would be nice.
What examples and types of evidence were most convincing? Did the essay engage your emotions and appeal to your experiences in appropriate ways? (Krystal) The very first example of how the internet has come so far in ten years is a very good example. Search engines have changed in what they return when you search something, especially on such a topic as anorexia. I also thought the paragraphs on online classes were very convincing. College's have allowed many who cannot attend school in the morning hours available to work from home to get a degree and further their education. I think you did a great job explaining the different colleges that offer online courses and what they offer.
What two places could use more development? Which places in the text need more evidence, examples, explanation. (Liz) I felt like there was a ton of info on the pro-ana websites, that section was well researched and written and then the part about meetup.com and politics etc..that part seemed kind of short in comparison. Since these papers are so long, I would just make sure each topic area is explored and developed equally. Also, I just couldn't get into the section on Wiki. This is not to annoy anyone but I did notice the quotes from Sanger (I think it was) was stuff we read for class, and I didn't like it then either. All that stuff about the ins and outs of wiki is so much harder to understand than the rest of the paper. I guess I would have liked it better if it was interpreted and explained differently in a way I could understand. Again, just my opinion.
Did the introduction catch your attention? The writer was probably writing about a topic that already interests them, so did they communicate that interest to you? (Caitlin)The start of the introduction is pretty interesting. Is the quote at the top part of the paper? Because if it isn't I would high suggest putting it in the paper. The proverb is a good touch, I think it gives a little of an idea of what you would be discussing. You definitely do a good job leading to the thesis.
Chick Click Review of Team 1 (the Know It Alls)'s Paper